Principles of Solid Relationships

“can two walk together except they be in agreement?…”Amos 3:3

Every relationship begins with an agreement between both parties. However, there principles that facilitate the strength of this agreement on all fronts.

Today, as an introduction to this month’s series as we focus on the family; we will be pointing out the basic principles that strengthen any kind of relationship. There five of these principles we’ll be discussing today. Before I go into this teaching please pay attention to my posts throughout this month especially if you are single on this platform because when we are done your wedding bells will be ringing with everything you need in place for a glorious home.

For the purpose of memory, I will use the word LIGHT as my acronym for the basic principles of solid relationships:

1. LOVE: Songs of Solomon 8:6,7: This is one of the most confused words on earth. It has been reduced to just a feeling and yet it is much more than that. Love is the reason God sent his only son to die for our sins, love is the reason you and I are here today, love is the reason God man, love is the reason for our living.

Love is a strong sense of unconditional affection and connection with something or someone that produces unconditional commitment.

Love the word says is as strong as death and many waters cannot quench it. If it does not produce true hardcore commitment it is not love. This is the reason lovers never break up; they may separate but they never break up. Many waters can’t quench true love. It is the foundation for real relationships.

Now listen, we don’t marry for love but we connect on love. Love as a feeling never keeps a home but as a commitment it does. When our love is a commitment it pulls through the storms and never drowns.

You see the one who is love himself gave up everything to save you; love is unconditional. When you say you love someone it’s never because of how he or she looks or how much he or she has or who he or she knows; you just love because you are wired to love this person irrespective of statistics. Love is a mystery. Many talk about compatibility, the truth is love in its true expression builds compatibility on all levels.

When love is true you Listen to each other patiently; you Observe each other to learn and adapt to each other; you Value your opinions, suggestions, feelings and thus communicate deeply: you Encourage each other ceaselessly to become better.

1 Cor. 13:4-7 (TLB) explains better.

Love builds, gives, adds, empowers, defends and most of all is patient. A person who loves you usually looks out for your interest.

Now very quickly let me say there is nothing like love at first sight rather it is affection at first sight because love develops over time.

2. INSIGHT: Proverbs 4:7

Insight is informed sight! That is your view based on information, inspiration and imagination. Your knowledge base is so important to your life that it even influences how you feel towards certain people. The kind of information you are exposed to can sometimes even determine how you “fall in love” with.

Listen when you expose yourself to certain kinds of films, books and songs, the fantasy creates an image that interacts with your body and makes that image your expectation in a prospective spouse.

I get scared sometimes when singles are told to write down what they expect in a spouse because most times we write from an image formed from exposure and not a discovery of the kind of person God wants for us. Your spouse is meant to be a compliment of you. So if you don’t know you, if you have not “dated” you, if you have not befriended you, if you have not gone out with you; it’s going to be tough deciding who exactly to go out with.

You need to have insight into who you are first and that takes time. That is one major reason why 93% of teenage relationships fail. You see you can carry the load of learning yourself and learning another person when you brain is still developing. The brain actually takes between eighteen to twenty-one years to understand the basics of who you are.

You also need insight into the person you decide you go out with or get married to. That is why true love takes time. It studies the other person. It studies character, decision making patterns, its studies who the other person is tied to; is he a mama’s boy or daddy’s girl; how independent a thinker is he; how much of his time or her time is he willing to give to grow this relationship, what is his or her response to unfavorable situations what is his or her temper like, how disciplined or controlled is he with his appetite; what does he spend his spare time doing – hmm… so much you’ll say but if you spend quality time with the average person in less than three months as a matured adult, you’ll be shocked you know even more than this.

You need insight into the type of home God wants you to have. At this point let me talk to men because the world if focus so much on women and what they should and shouldn't do when in actual fact 80% of women’s problems are as a result of the men they love. Every man needs insight into what kind of how God wants you to have and how to communicate that vision to the woman you are going to get married to or the one you are married to. The truth is God holds the man responsible for the success or failure of the home, that’s why you are the head. As a man you need to know what it takes to train children, it can’t be left for the woman. Listen men the woman is your helper, you can only help somebody in doing what the person is already doing. haaaa!

Most women are confused because they married a man and can find what to help him with so they do their own thing and the men get offended!

Can I still teach so more!!!

Insight is the reason most homes fail. Love starts a home but it is insight that keeps the home. Love is kind, patient and all that but love is fragile because it’s of the heart it needs insight to guard and protect it.

Two people start relationships based on how they feel for each other and call it love, then at the slightest provocation she says “I thought you were different from the rest”, at the slightest tantrum he’s like “why are you all like this” yea that’s lack of insight at work. When you understand women you know how to handle your woman,

you will realize a woman is made from one of the ribs of the man;

from under his arm to be protected by him-she needs your protection;

from close to his heart to be love and cherish by him-she need you passion;

from part of his ribs to be nurtured by him- she needs your presence;

and from his body to be one with him.

This man you have in your life ladies is God’s deliberate design to cover you from the harshness of life but you also need insight ladies. You need to know that you are meant to be his greatest fan. Every time you praise he is empowered to do more. Praise a man for carrying a bag and he tell you “baby throw me two more its nothing really!” Just the same way praise make a woman glow, it makes a man flow.

Insight gives you a flight in life.

3. GOALS: You need to know where you relationship is going, where your home is going. People start relationships lots of the time because they feel its time. Their definition of time most times is age or status but marriage is about purpose

Gen 1: 26-31

I know it sounds a bit advanced but consider this thought: God does nothing without a purpose and if your home is or is going to be a product of divine agenda then it must have a purpose.

It is your responsibility to find out from God what purpose of your home is and then it becomes easier to know that kind of man or woman you need to achieve such a home.

If you are already married it’s time to ask sincere questions; both of you need to understand God’s purpose for your home in prayer together and trust God to work towards it. Some homes are designed to raise political leaders, some others spiritual leaders, some home are meant to build other homes, some others are meant to offer hospitality and care to others. The purpose of your home will influences your challenges, favours and even the people you come in contact with.

Purpose keeps people together and stronger.

When you are able to define the goals for your relationship what you have done is given your relationship a rhythm, a pulse; something that makes it tick. You both become more objective. You dance to the same tune. The possibility of sexual immorality is deadened when you are on a rhythm because most times immorality is a function of idleness, carelessness or distraction; a goal is a major principle that kills the dangers these triplets pose to any relationship.

4. Honest Communication: I have been quoted severally as saying “communication always breeds affection”, communication is actually the life wire of any relationship. If you want to give life to any relationship start talking and if you want to kill it stop talking or introduce negative talk. In the Solomon Islands it is said that when the natives want to uproot a tree they don’t get an axe or cutlass to cut it down, they just gather around it and start to curse it. In a matter of days the cursed tree will dry up; I’m sure you know where they got that from (Jesus cursed the fig tree – remember!)

The quality of communication in any relationship determines the health of that relationship. The more we engage in quality discussions the better our relationships get.

I had a long distance relationship with my wife before we got married. I was in Abuja and she was in Lagos both in Nigeria. We had to spend countless nights talking about everything we needed to talk about. We got to the level where we learnt each other’s mannerisms, likes and schedules. Now the key is not just talking but sincere, open discussion on a regular basis as a matter of fact that’s how we started, we got into each other by enjoying the pleasure of communicating.

Who are you talking to and who is talking to you? What are you talking about? Whoever you are taking to and sharing so much information with on regular basis especially intimate information is either your mentor or your spouse.

I want you to take stock if you are single, of those (especially of the opposite sex) you are free to chat with either physically or on social media; that person is already in the radar of a life partner for you. That’s why you can’t afford to keep an unbeliever as a close friend because even if you keep close discussions with the devil himself you will end up developing affection for him without regard to who he is!

Couples need to spend time to talk. I have what I call talk time with my wife daily. Sometimes we get so busy with achieving goals and keeping our jobs that we end up taking for granted our top priority – our spouse! I just finished my third book; if you understand what it takes to write you would understand why writers’ families are usually starved of their time when they are writing thus communication with our families must be deliberate, planned and followed through.

A story was posted on our platform in August, about a couple who had the man's mother come over to live with them. Trouble began when the mother began to question the life style of the couple, one which they had both agreed to and carried on fine until mama came. They lack of communication hurt that couple so bad that when they realized it, it was too lated. That story will be posted on this bog soon. The truth is the problem with that home was clear, sincere communication and that was the same problem with the first home. Many women and ladies don’t have a clear idea of the visions and plans of the men in their lives; the men have no idea of how the women or ladies feel about their venture. Many talk but they don’t communicate.

Communication is not instruction rather it is discussion; two parties exchange ideas and thoughts thus the response of the other party informs you if you have communicated or not.

Time: Everything takes time. The test of time is the most authentic test to relationships after communication. As two people stay together they see themselves better and clearer. It is time that will tell if what you feel is an infatuation or true affection that should be nurtured. Please I must reinstate there is nothing like love at first sight, it is affection at first sight. Real love takes time to develop because it is unconditional so it sees the whole package and consciously decides to live with the positives and the negatives. That is why your marriage is your choice endorsed by God.

Please remember you can't respect a woman you don’t love and you can't submit to a man you don’t love but you can invest time to build true love with your spouse.

God bless you.